How to attract the opposite sex and get laid a lot guide.

A few years ago we had a new bathroom installed. Part of this involved a new toilet. Now my wife doesn't do things by halves. Not for her a normal toilet seat, no. She had to have one that was 'D' shaped and closed itself, s-l-o-w-l-y. Fine, whatever. But in the years in between then and now we have had children. One being a boy. Not going into too much detail, this has resulted in the hinges of said seat rotting. Who uses mild steel in a toilet hinge? So designer toilet seat is now broken, so I have to get a new one. How come the male always has to do this?


Not at all. Firstly the hinge mechanism looked like Fort Knox. Couldn't see a way in and part of my degree is in mechanical design; on each side there were four brackets with associated plastic or steel covers. In the end I just ripped it off, which it turned out was how you are supposed to do it. So off I went in the car to our local Home Depot type store. They had a whole wall of different design toilet seats [really, they do] and I spent an hour in there matching mine up to them. Natch none were the same, and they must have had eighty. Wooden ones, plastic, wood covered in plastic, even one with fish in it. So I left and went home; the rest of the plumbers merchants being within walking distance of my place.

There I am, walking around our local town centre, with a toilet seat in hand. Now he who casts the first stone be without sin and all that, but what a twat I looked. Really, it's not a cool look carrying a stained bog seat around is it? My top tip for getting laid is not to. Indeed whatever the polar opposite of this task is, do that.

No plumbers merchant was helpful. "Odd design that." Well it isn't; it's European you donks. Eventually I trudge off to the furthest one, where we bought it originally. "Have to order one in. That'll be £120." What! They're £90 on the web I lied. Got it for £86 in the end. As a point of reference to all my readers, the ones in the Home Depot were £14 to £30 maximum, even with fish in. So my second top tip; should I befall a terrible accident and die, hence my wife becomes single again, think twice before marrying her. Wonderful woman though she is, she has a terrible choice in bathrooms.