What is a "Mountain Biker" then?

I've been thinking: what makes a mountain biker? Being fast on the odd downhill section? Being able to climb Box Hill 10 seconds faster than the next person? Personally I don't think so; such things are only valid for bragging rights in front of people that know no better. There's more to being a mountain biker than being faster than the rest for 3% of the time.

I propose that a true mountain biker must be formed of the following meritable points:
  • Actually own at least one working bike. No borrowing allowed.
  • Undertake several rides per month - at the very least one per week.
  • Be able to repair their own bike out on the trails such that they can at least get home in limp mode.
  • Always to know exactly where they are in the world if presented with the appropriate OS map. No cheating allowed with sat nav devices.
  • Have an ability to put together a 30 mile, interesting ride on their own doorstep entirely from memory.
  • Have an opinion on tubeless tyres based on experience.
  • Be self-aware enough to understand when to shut the f*** up about their own abilities. Steve Peat we are all not.
Dear Reader if you have any more, then do please post them to this blog. I'd be grateful.